Movie Review: 1313: Wicked Stepbrother (2011)

October 3, 2012

1313 Week is a week dedicated to reviewing David DeCoteau’s homoerotic franchise. Partly an experiment to see if I can survive an entire week of the films, I hope you enjoy this week.

Remember: DOI.
Don’t overthink it.

Frank (Kayde McMullen) and Kelly (Jarrid Balis)

That’s sound advice coming from two otherwise bland characters. Fortunately it’s almost impossible to overthink 1313: Wicked Stepbrother unless the intent is to rationalize it, which I don’t intend to do. Spoiler: This movie is horrible.

Written by Moses Rutegar and directed by David DeCoteau, Wicked Stepbrother doesn’t have the greatest of plots. Jarrod (Jordan Nichols), the son of a deceased millionaire, has just turned 18 and earned the right to his late father’s estate. Unfortunately for his stepmother and stepbrother, Minerva (Michelle Bauer) and Sebastian (Jake Madden) respectively, Jarrod doesn’t like them and has no intention of letting them keep any of his inheritance. Drama ensues, and what should be a happy birthday for Jarrod and his party guests turns into a bloodbath.

And I just made Wicked Stepbrother sound immeasurably better than it actually is. Sorry.

This movie starts out with a guy wearing his shirt, which had me excited at the idea that it might not be 75 minutes of skin. Of course less than a minute later my hopes and dreams were shattered, and then the movie proceeded to kill my expectations over and over again. You know the phrase “just when you think things can’t get any worse, they do”? That certainly applies here. Every single time that I thought “Wicked Stepbrother can’t get any worse”, it outright proved me wrong, without fail, no prisoners taken. This movie (if you want to call it a movie) sucks.

My disbelief is even established in my notes. The following is what I jotted down in a roughly two minute span:

Oh comeoncomeoncomeon.

This can’t get any worse.

I lied. It just got way worse.

CANNOT UNSEE

This movie is closer to pornography than any of the other 1313 films that I’ve seen. There’s one point in Wicked Stepbrother where Jarrod and his stepmother start making out, and her son joins in turning the movie into a twisted incest threesome. It would be one thing if this was full-on porn and there was intercourse, because it would then at least appeal to people with freaky incest fetishes. As is, it’s more of a “WHY GOD WHY” type thing. It’s disaster on top of disaster, as the non-freaky stuff is somehow less exciting than the incest!

Honestly, if you’re entertained by random, topless men wandering around a mansion shouting “Hello?” until their unclimactic demise (which is what most of Wicked Stepbrother is), I have a bridge to sell you.

Actor Slash Model has a teleportation problem, Wicked Stepbrother has a dimension problem. Almost every time one of Jarrod’s party guests arrive at his mansion, they’re greeted with silence as the place is empty. But in scenes prior and following Jarrod and his step family are clearly in the mansion, so where do they go? The only logical explanation is that the main characters and party guests are on two different planes, until somebody has to die. That actually isn’t a bad idea, the problem is that Wicked Stepbrother isn’t supposed to be multi-dimensional.

(Speaking of Actor Slash Model, it shares sets, props, and even some actors with this movie. While cutting costs is great, it’s very noticeable.)

It isn’t all bad, though. What I did like about Wicked Stepbrother is its score, which I can definitely write to. It’s not exciting, it doesn’t even fit the movie at all, but I found myself not dreading it. Infact, this movie would be immeasurably better if it was the score and nothing else. Only then would I not be missing my 75 minutes. I wish I could say more good things, but I really can’t. There isn’t any valid reason to recommend Wicked Stepbrother to anyone in the world, but it’s on Netflix USA as of this writing for any curious masochistic parties. Really, though, skip this one.

Really.

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