Happy 2-Year Anniversary!

September 21, 2012

As of today I’ve been blogging for two years. So I thought that I’d do something special! Obviously that means embarrassing karaoke and a look at my two years of negativity in my movie reviews.

Update: To be clear, this isn’t this specific blog’s anniversary, this is the anniversary of me outright blogging… So effectively my first blog’s anniversary.

The karaoke I chose is Eye of the Tiger, and there’s honestly nothing symbolic about it. There’s nothing tiger-eye about my blogging history, I just really like the song. So, without further ado:
(Direct link to song if you’re blind and VoiceOver sucks)

The vocals were recorded and set against the karaoke track in Garageband for iPad, and the final song was uploaded to SoundCloud with GarageBand for iPad. The instrumental track which I’m singing over is by Sing It Back and I don’t own that copyright.

For the next part, what follows is five snarky movie review quotes from my first year blogging, and five snarky movie review quotes from my second year. I had a fun time going through these:

YEAR I:

Review of “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps”

I think actually that the editing of “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps” is what bogs down my rating the most, since it was such a distraction and looked astonishingly unprofessional. I’ve know YouTubers who can put film clips together better than the editorial department here.

September 25, 2010

Instant Netflix Review: “Beware! Children At Play”

“Beware! Children At Play” is a loathsome, despicable wad of garbage and you’re best to stay away from it. Films rarely tick me off, and I stress rarely. This film is rated R and it should be NC-17. In fact I wager that you wouldn’t find a studio willing to produce this film today.

February 17, 2011

Review: “Red Riding Hood”

It would be way too easy to blame Catherine Hardwicke as wholly responsible for “Red Riding Hood”, but unfortunately I can’t pin her on the writing. Nono, that (dis)credit goes to David Johnson. I haven’t seen worse writing for a theatrical Horror release in a long time. I can’t fathom how it passed by any producer, it’s just terrible, and I also don’t understand how Gary Oldman looked at the script and accepted a leading role (More on that in a minute).

March 11, 2011

Review: “Scream 4”

“Scream 3”. “Cursed”. “Red Eye”. “My Soul To Take 3D”. Those are the last four films Wes Craven has directed, with “Cursed” being the only slightly passable one. Five times the charm though, right? Nope. “Scream 4” is the latest in Craven’s line of 21st century junk, with “From the master of suspense” plastered across every trailer for every film he directs. News flash: Wes Craven was the master of suspense thirty years ago, and I don’t think he has any interest in adding anything good to his legacy.

April 18, 2011

Review: “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”

And lastly, the soundtrack is a disaster. Almost no song matches its corresponding scene. Whoever is behind this soundtrack should hang their head in shame, and Michael Bay should hide under a rock for letting it slip by under his direction. It really is that bad… If not for the quality of the special effects, I’d guess that Transformers: Dark of the Moon was put together by interns.

July 02, 2011

YEAR II (Most of these are near the end because the high majority of my articles in my 2nd year were tech articles):

Review: Orca

In all honesty, Orca really is all over the place. It’s not clear what the filmmakers wanted to make; Is it A) Moby Dick circa 1977? B) A terribly made drama? C) Funded by PETA? D) All of the above? It’s a mess, with characters that lose and gain depth quickly enough to give any innocent viewer The Bends. The filmmakers did not do their jobs well.

February 22, 2012

CGIFF Review: Walther (2011)

Avoid Walther like a plague. A kitten dies every time it’s played. Treat this film as if you’ll die if you’re within 100 miles of a screening of it. The entire existence of the world rests on you not watching it. Walther is the most boring full length film ever produced, and I imagine the Lutheran churches that played this lost a few members.

August 17, 2012

Movie Review: Area 407 (2012)

The acting is horrible, all done by a slew of actors I haven’t heard of before. I hate knocking people, but it’s clear that none of the budget for Area 407 went to hiring halfway decent actors. And the two main girls (Schrader and Lester) especially, the characters with the handycam? They’re so irritating, I kid you not, I wanted to throw my iPad across the room at minute three. The movie is basically 90 minutes of their perspective, and it’s a disaster.

August 28, 2012

Review: Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1986)

The characters are dreadfully boring, the killer is dreadfully boring, the kills are dreadfully boring, and everything about Mountaintop Motel Massacre is dreadfully boring. The acting is horrible, the writing is worse, and the direction is lost on an unmarked highway. If I had never seen this movie it would have been too soon.

September 12, 2012

Movie Review: Skew (2011)

Skew is rife with flaws, a very irritating lead, poor dialogue, and a plothole which makes it impossible to realistically exist even in fiction.

September 13, 2012

Here’s to many more years!

P.S. See you on Monday with a tech-related article!

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