Movie Review: 1313: Frankenqueen (2012)

September 11, 2012

Ah the 1313 franchise, the underwear ads of full length cinema. I caught 1313: Cougar Cult earlier this year which I found mildly amusing, largely because I hadn’t seen anything like it before. It’s a low budget Horror film set in a mansion where three cougar women pursue three topless college-aged pool boys whom they hired, and the movie lasts 70 minutes. The idea to mix underwear ads and Horror films alone is so ridiculous that it deserves praise.

Funnily enough, 1313: Frankenqueen doesn’t stray far from Cougar Cult‘s formula. Infact it almost seems like the producers of the franchise got together and said:

Okay, we need to remake this with twice as many guys, we need them to be twice as athletic, and we need them to not have shirts on — not even for one second.

I could be wrong, but I doubt it. Frankenqueen even appears to take place in the same mansion as Cougar Cult. Frankenqueen is a tiny bit different, however, so I don’t get off too easy.

As the story goes, five very athletic college-aged guys are hired for “research” by Victoria (Helene Udy), a plastic surgeon and cougar-widow of a highly respected scientist. The rules are simple: Live in her mansion for a weekend, swim in her pool, eat her food, and take a series of physical tests. Oh, and clothing above the waist is expressly forbidden. On Monday the five test subjects will be paid and it all sounds too good to be true — because it is!

Frankenqueen is co-written by David DeCoteau and Charlie Meadows, with DeCoteau also directing. Honestly, everything about this film is horrible from conception to execution, but I don’t think it even matters! The target audience is obviously middle aged women who dig topless people half their age. I’d venture to guess that this and the other 1313 movies are meant to be a fantasy; a group of young, topless athletic men working for a middle aged woman in her mansion for a weekend.

These movies fill a very specific niche and it’s hard to fault them for that. And even for me, I had a very fun time taking notes, and the discussions my watching Frankenqueen led to on Twitter were fun. Even this review is kinda fun to write… For example, the following sentence:

Oh, and clothing above the waist is expressly forbidden.

I don’t get to write stuff like that every day. Fair is fair though, and Frankenqueen has a host of problems.

The most glaring problem to me is how the iPad is used. Yes, indeed, a white WiFi-only iPad was in the film enough to be a cast member, however the display is off the entire time it’s on screen — even when Victoria is taking notes on it. Maybe DeCoteau understands that Apple geeks probably don’t even know that Frankenqueen exists, but I can name many good note taking iPad apps — free and paid — without thinking too hard. Having Victoria take notes on an iPad in standby mode is the epitome of lazy, which isn’t acceptable on any merit.

Further, iPhones also had roles, and I didn’t notice their screens turn on in use either, although it isn’t as blatant as the standby iPad.

Going down my list, the next most irritating thing is how drawn out every single scene is. Some scenes lasted upwards of five minutes, and were literally nothing except Victoria running a tiny blacklight over a guy’s hypnotized body in bed. Again, this movie is fan service, and five minutes of an attractive guy’s black-underwear covered crotch is the entire point. I get that. However I’m not a middle aged woman, and a little effort to make something good doesn’t often hurt.

Honestly, Frankenqueen is probably best viewed as a test for guys to determine if they’re gay or not. If you think that you’re straight but want to make sure, I’d watch this movie. I can’t speak from experience, but what amounts to basically a 72 minute underwear ad will surely surface any hidden feelings for the same sex. And if you’re a middle aged woman who dreams about this stuff, you’ll get a kick out of it.

For all interested parties, 1313: Frankenqueen is currently on Netflix with many other films from the 1313 franchise.

I haven’t ever done this before, but all of the notes I took while watching this movie can be found after the break.

Warning: There are spoilers.

1313: Frankenqueen

Opens up with two topless guys walking out of a limo to a house, Matt and Andy. Then Dan answers the door, also topless.

Andy enters a room with two other topless guys. Spencer and the other guy.

All before 3 minutes. 5 topless guys introduced in less than 3 minutes.

Queen’s name is Victoria btw.

iPhone got a cameo!

Hijinks ensue! Damn Matt.

They get less clothed as time progresses. From shorts to underwear/briefs.

What is happening? Hypnosis? Very very long sequence of wandering the house with a blank stare. Very, very long.

This is shot well enough I guess.

Of course his briefs are black.

Took 12:30 to see a clothed person, and it was the Frankenqueen Victoria.

Over dramatic score.

Creepy scene where she scans a little light over the hypnotized guy’s body in bed.

I keep on waiting for some reaction every time the scanning device goes over his briefs.

The scan is also taking way too long. Just back and forth up and down his body fer minutes on end.

Close up shots of the guy’s body, including his underwear.

Like four minutes now.

Back to wandering blankessy and aimlessly.

Then three guys in the pool.

Still don’t know Sunglasses Guy’s name.

Aha! It’s Rich! Took 22:30 to find that out.

iPad cameo! Unfortunately it’s off so she can’t really be entering information into it.

Close up shots of everyone in the gym while she’s taking notes on her closed iPad.

Weird score.

I kinda like Andy. He’s nice and timid and quiet and not a douchebag.

Hijinks ensue!

iPad got a huge cameo, despite it being off the entire time.

More body scanning!

The lady is kinda creepy, not gonna lie.

More wandering!

Lotsa hot tub

Hijinks ensue!

I know that Matt is the protagonist and all, but I don’t like him. A bit of a douche.

More body scanning!

Now shower scene!

The subplot of Matt trying to find the secret equipment to sell just doesn’t work for me.

Rich calls her “Doctor Cougar Lady”

By the way, Victoria is the widow to Doctor Jeffery Frank

Electronic sex beats in shower.

Victoria uses brains from the guys to create her perfect man she created with her plastic surgery practice. Her perfect companion. Named Rocky. And, EWWW! Cougar kisses!

Kinda creepy ending. All of the minds are still thinking.

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