CGIFF Review: Walther (2011)

August 17, 2012

Sidenote: Walther is the 23rd film shown at the Columbia Gorge International Film Festival at the Pop Culture venue in Vancouver, WA on Thursday, 8/16/2012 which I attended.

I’m not going to mince words. Walther is the most boring film that I’ve ever seen. I don’t think it even deserves to be called a movie. It spans a timeline of about 50 years, and I felt like I was watching it in real time. The best way to describe it is that it’s like watching a history textbook, and not an adaptation of a textbook. Watching Walther is like doing assigned reading for a history course.

Written and directed by Dale Ward, Walther is Christians talking to each other about how sex outside of marriage is the worst sin in the world, Christians arguing about who should be a pastor, mixed in with faux interviews of the characters. I’m not making this up, Walther is two hours of that. You know how most films have a first, second, and third act? This has none. There is never a single indication that the film is progressing towards an end. It’s horrible.

And don’t get me started about the acting. My God, the acting is putrid. And the dialogue is worse! It’s horribly written and the actors and actresses have to force-gag it out of their throats. It would be more reasonable for the characters to speak in tongues. Dale Ward needs to be banned from writing anything. He shouldn’t be allowed to have any access to a word processor or text editor. To say that Walther is astronomically terrible is an understatement.

I happened to have my prescribed Vicodin on hand, and I strongly considered taking a couple pills to relieve me of the pain of sitting through Walther. I didn’t since it would be unwise to sedate myself two hours away from home, but I did think about it.

I did a little bit of research, and this film is literally Christian propaganda. It was created to be distributed to Lutheran churches. All things considered, I find it kinda abhorrent that the distributors decided to send this to a film festival(s) where the audiences — attending for the appreciation of film — aren’t the target audience at all.

Avoid Walther like a plague. A kitten dies every time it’s played. Treat this film as if you’ll die if you’re within 100 miles of a screening of it. The entire existence of the world rests on you not watching it. Walther is the most boring full length film ever produced, and I imagine the Lutheran churches that played this lost a few members. I have no idea why it played at a film festival.

A proper review is a few hundred words longer, but there’s nothing more to say, so I’m sorry that this is a bit short. Walther is a horrible horrible film and I don’t think it really deserves to be called a film. If there indeed is a God, he is probably not pleased.

-1,000,000/10

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